Maggie's Farm

One pesky little computer problem is when you run a program most of the time the computer is up, like an email program, but it minimizes to the Task Bar and clutters up the place with its icon.  For 'permanent' programs that run all of the time, the better routine is to stick the icon in the SysTray (the area just to the right of the Task Bar) and leave the Task Bar area for current projects.

Some programs have a setting in their Options that tells them to minimize to the SysTray, so check that first.

To solve this little poser, we have a program with the cheek-pinchingly cute name of Trayconizer.  It's not promised to work on every program, but it's worked on the three I've thrown at it.

Home page is here.  Get the 'Unicode build'.

Unzip the file to its own 'Trayconizer' folder in a place you'll later be able to locate.  This is, if you put the Trayconizer folder in a 'Tools' folder, remember it for the next step.

To set up a program for trayconizing, go to the Start Menu, find its icon, right-click on it and open the Properties.

In the 'Target' box, put the full path to Trayconizer before the path to the program.

(capital letters are only used for clarity in the following)

For example, if you placed the Trayconizer folder in a 'Tools' folder, the path would be:

     C:\Tools\Trayconizer\Trayconizer.exe <existing path to program>

If you stuck it in a folder with a blank space in the name, like 'Program Files', you need to put the whole path in quotes:

     "C:\Program Files\Trayconizer\Trayconizer.exe" <path to program>

If there's an error in the path, Windows will let you know when you click 'OK' to close the box.  If you get stuck, open the Properties of the Trayconizer icon, highlight the 'Location', copy it to memory with Ctrl-C, paste it into the 'Target' box with Ctrl-V.

Now when you minimize the program the icon should go to the SysTray.  Single-click on it to get a few options, double-click to pop the program back open.

Today would have to be regarded as one of the perfect 'project days' of the year.  The banks and such are closed, the festivities are over, and a hopefully undisturbed day stretches out before you.

Here are some suggestions on how to put this special little day to good use:

Establish Yourself Online — Quit screwing around and go get yourself a domain name before they all run out.  This is the voice of experience speaking.  Five years ago, my first-name-last-name.com (without the hyphens) was available, but I didn't grab it.  Then, my first-name-middle-initial-last-name.com was available, but I didn't grab it.  Today, even my first-name-middle-name-last-name.com is gone.  And, just between you and me, I really don't want a ".biz" or ".xxx" address.

Home Repair — Maybe you've been thinking of tackling a repair around the house but you're not sure if you're getting in over your head?  Here's an 'overview guide' that should get you headed in the right direction. También en Español, Deutsch, et Français.

Computer Overhaul — Is this it?  Is this the dreaded day when you finally grip the bull by the horns and terrifyingly slog your way through the mean, cruel guide in order to get your computer acting all perky and spunky again?  At very least, do the 'Simple' setup guide.  At very cruelest, do the 'Serious' guide.

Vista Users — This goes double for you guys.  All of that Vista "bloatware" that your friends mock and deride you for behind your back can be safely and easily eliminated.  I ran Vista for a while and it was as quick and snappy as an operating system can be.

VideoStudio — If you ever wanted to dangle a toe in the moiling, boiling, roiling waters of video, this is the way to do it.  It takes a brand new approach.  Rather than teach one a whole bunch of little things in anticipation of running the big program, I have you learn the big program first and only learn the nitty-gritty stuff as the need arises, which depends upon the odd video formats drifting in over time.  The big dif is, I arm you with a plethora of specialized tools so you can handle whatever the 'Net throws at you.  There's no "figuring it out" at the time.

Don't let this day slip away!

Well, it appears the blogosphere is here to stay.

As such, it's probably high time you get your little buns in gear and grab a domain name before they're all taken, and think about slapping something — anything! — up there just to prove you're a citizen of the 21st century.

The bottom line is, you're probably going to get online sometime, so you might as well have at least a meager selection of domain names to choose from.  Every minute you wait could mean that yourname.com will be taken.  And the domain name is free if you go through the link below, and so's the software, and the site, itself, only costs $6.95/mo to host, so it isn't like it's some big wallet-killer.  You got any other bills that low?

The software we'll be using is called WordPress, and whether you want a blog site or a standard web site, the stuff can't be beat.

There are two places where it really shines:

— It does a great job of automatically organizing everything.  Readers can hunt up older posts a number of ways and it has an outstanding search feature.

— But it's the 'themes' that can change the entire look of your site with a single mouse click, from cool-and-hip to snappy-business-professional, that set this software apart.  There are literally thousands of them out there to choose from.

If you're away from home, you can write your posts on the laptop and then email them to the site when you get online, each one scheduled to display at a certain time.

And here's the thing:

Frank, my neighbor, knows almost nothing about computers and never dreamed in a million years that he'd one day set up a personal blog site, much less put photos of his boat on it, much less videos.  But, over the course of a few hours, with a little help from moi, he did just that.

Frank is 84 years old.

And you know where this is going, right?

If ancient, creaky old Frank can manage this difficult, ponderous task, I'm betting that you can, too.

The jump-off point is Cool-Blogsite.  That'll walk you through the entire process from this moment on.  If you just want to dip a toe in the pond, it's real easy to get up and running.  If you want to jump on in, it's "challenging, but not difficult" to tweak the site to your exact liking.

This would also make a wonderful gift for some not-so-computer-savvy member of the family.  They might not have the know-how to set up a site, but anybody can hit the 'Save' button.  Install a bunch of themes and watch their eyes light up when they see the big thumbnail preview pics and how easy it is to choose between them.

But back to the domain names, I was in some webmasters' forum the other day and they were bitching about how hard it is to find an unused name these days, even using a person's first, middle and last name.  And it certainly makes sense, given the massive number of people getting online and wanting their own domains.

As I said, it's real easy using WordPress just to get online and establish a 'beachhead'.  The main idea is to nail down your domain name while it's still available.  Click on the above link and just take care of steps #1 and #2.  That's your 'beachhead', then you can relax and continue at your leisure.

Any questions, please ask in the comments.

Here's an index of my Maggie's Computin' Tips.  I can't guarantee all of these will work on every Windows operating system, but most should.

Programs

AutoSizer — This has two great uses.  It'll pop open the browser (or any program) in full-screen mode every time it opens, and for small programs that tend to open wherever they want (like Calculator), it will make them open right in the center of the screen.

GIMP Graphics Studio — A great (free) graphics studio.

Scheduled Tasks — How to use Scheduled Tasks to pop open Notepad to remind you of some upcoming event or task.

Snipping Tool — A very slick tool that allows you to use the mouse to snip out part of the screen and either save it as a pic or email it directly to someone.

The Amazing AVS Video Converter — This is one of the finest, most versatile video conversion program I've ever come across.

System Tips

Alternate Characters — How to insert 'alternate characters' (©, ®, ™, ±, ¼, ¿, ¡, á, è, í, ñ, —, etc) into an editor using the keyboard or a program.

Backup Time — Backing up files has become a lot easier of late.

Capturing Screen Images — This is the traditional way to capture what's on the screen.  Snipping Tool just captures it as an image to be saved or sent, whereas this method pops it into a graphics studio for further processing.

Cleaning an LCD Monitor — Don't use a liquid, don't use anything with ammonia in it.

Minimizing Stubborn Programs — Every now and then you'll run into a program that won't minimize while it's running.  Here are two ways to take care of the rascal.

Customized 'New' Projects — This is how to set up 'templates' so a program will always open with certain settings already in place, like a certain font in a word processing program, or starting up your graphics studio with a blank picture, ready to have a screen capture pasted into it.

Dust, the common enemy — You'll hear about viruses, lightning strikes and nuclear-bomb-induced electromagnetic impulses, but this is the real bad boy of the bunch.

Security Software — A general rundown on computer security and some program recommendations.

Security Update — A few new tidbits, mainly a reminder.

The 'Send To' Feature — This is how to easily load files into programs they aren't normally associated with.  Got a Notepad file you want to spell-check?  'Send' it to a word processing program, run the spell-checker and save.

Virtual Drives — If you have a program or game that requires a disc to be in the ROM drive, this is how to get around it.

Online

Browser Tips — How to tweak Internet Explorer and Firefox.

Another Online Tweak — A small adjustment for XP systems.

Double Your Browsing Speed? — Windows XP only.  All XP users should install this thing.  It won't do any harm if you're already getting your max rates, but it could make a big difference if you're not.  It flat-out doubled my Verizon Wireless browsing rate.

Multiple Email Identities — One of the real tragedies with Windows Vista and Windows 7 is the way Microsoft shuffled the excellent Outlook Express off to the great pixel graveyard in the sky.  It's best feature was the ability to use (true) multiple identities.  This is the result of my search for a replacement.  It's not perfect, but blows the doors off anything else I could find.

Saving & Playing Web Videos — This will show you how to both save web videos and convert them to a proper computer format for your own use.

Windows

For Windows XP tweaks, see Lesson #4, below.

Removing Context Menu Entries — How to clean up the right mouse button menu.

Tweaking Vista — Perhaps the biggest fallacy in the computer world over the past few years is that Windows Vista is "bloated" and "slow".  This is just silly.  Yes, it has some big programs running in the background, but turning them off is just a mouse click away.  Do everything on this page and your Vista system will be quick, stable and solid.

Windows 7 Evaluation — I spent an entire day with this thing, installed a bunch of programs, ran a bunch of things, probed every corner, looked in every nook and cranny (I don't even know what a cranny is, but I looked there anyway) and this is my report.  I can guarantee you there's not another one like it on the Web.  If you're just a casual computer user, then Windows 7 is a terrific OS.  But if you're a geek type who likes fiddling with things, I'm going to trash this thing like no one else has dared to do.

Hardware

Disc Carousels — For that ever-burgeoning disc collection

Disc Labeling — Some info on disc label printers

Enhancements — Things to make your computer life more enjoyable.

Recent CPU Advances — A brief overview of the new "dual-core" and "quad-core" CPU chips

The IDE/SATA/RAID Story — Want to really jack up your system?

The Lessons

Introduction

  1: Search Engine Tips
  2: File Structure
  3: System Backup
  4: Windows XP Tweaks
  5: Ergonomics
  6: Building A Home Page
  7: Cool Tools
  8: Hardware
  9: Keyboard Skills
10: Should You Upgrade?
11: Troubleshooting
12: Images
13: Audio
14: Video
15: Streaming Video
16: DOS
17: Facts & Fallacies

The 'NCIS" series
The 'Bullshit' series
Doc's Videos
Best of Doc
Doc's Home Site

We're at kind of a juncture right now as different CPU configurations make market inroads.  Traditionally, we've just had one big CPU chip and every effort by the manufacturers was thrown into making it faster and faster.

However, because an increase in speed means an accompanying increase in heat, the industry has hit something of a wall lately and now you're hearing about "dual-core" and "quad-core" CPU chips as the manufacturers take a fresh approach.

In brief, a dual-core CPU is basically two CPU chips in one, and certain applications will correspondingly run twice as fast.  Quad-core CPUs are another doubling up of CPU power, although in general they only increase certain functions 25% over a dual-core system and are considered something of a 'marketing gimmick' by us geeks.

To note is that it's up to the programs, themselves, as to whether or not they can utilize the multiple CPUs.

Here are two video compression programs that do the exact same thing:

And, as expected, the first one does the chore in half the time, ten minutes compared to twenty.  Run it six times and that's an hour saved.

As to identifying your own system, simply right-click on the Task Bar, open Task Manager, click on the 'Performance' tab and look.  If you have two windows, like the above, it's a dual-core system.

As such, if you do any kind of routine CPU-intensive process, you might want to take a peek at ye olde Task Manager and make sure the program's up to speed — literally.  In the case up above, I had used DVD2One for years, but as soon as I bought the new dual-core rig and saw how DVD2One performed in Task Manager, it went straight to the scrap heap.  If it had just been one of those 'percentage stories', where one program outperforms another by a blistering 2.38%, I wouldn't have bothered.

But twice just can't be argued with.

I suppose if you asked the question "What are the most destructive things to a computer?" and flipped through a computer mag, you'd come away with viruses, spyware, power surges, even lightening strikes.

But by the time the dust settles, the dust has settled.  And dust covering the electronic parts is, over the long run, one of the most destructive forces of all, simply because it makes everything run hotter, from the electronic components to the drives.  Enough dusty coating, enough external heat from a blistering hot summer's day, maybe clog up the tower's intake vents with some dustballs, and one of the components could exceed its factory specs and blow.  And that means a new motherboard, and that usually means a brand new computer.

This is especially true coupled with the fact that electronic devices such as motherboards generate a field of static electricity around them, attracting small particles in the air.  Throw in an intake fan for the power supply, maybe one for the motherboard, and, truth be told, that computer of yours is doubling as an excellent little room-sized dust filter.

The actual cleaning process is straightforward enough:

1. Unhook everything, figure out how to open the case.

2. Find a neighbor with a compressed air rig (they're always looking for an excuse to use it), some friend who owns a scuba tank and air nozzle, or head to the local gas station.  You can also use those small cans of compressed air but they won't be near as effective.

Stand upwind on the closed side of the tower, reach the hose over and blast the hell out of the thing.  The first gust should really kick up a ruckus.  After that dissipates, face the insides and get real close to everything.  Blast the individual components on the motherboard, the heat sink on the big CPU chip and the fans.  Also blast the inside of the (enclosed) power supply through both vents.

3. Reassemble.

These days, there's not much worry about hooking things back up incorrectly.  Everything's color-coded, a unique size, polarized, if not all three.

Once a year sounds about right.  If you do a 'spring cleaning' routine, put it on the list.  If the tower sits right on the floor, do it twice a year.  If at all possible, the tower really should sit at least 8" off the floor, especially carpet.  Please refer to accompanying photograph for demonstration.

Like you, I always stay up with the latest trends in file backup technology.  Heck, who doesn't?

Pictured: Who doesn't.

To be completely honest, you never did have much of an excuse when you lost those super-important files during that computer melt-down a while back and had lazily neglected to back them up.  Oh, you made a big bid for sympathy, all right, but we just laughed and sneered.  There have always been zillions of backup programs around, and they've always been real easy to use.  No, you really had no excuse at all.

And now, sadly, with cheap terabyte drives available, you'll have even less.

To take it through the timeline, first we backed up our precious files to floppy disk.  Then came hard drives, so we used a variety of backup programs that would 'sync' two folders together, copying the new files in the first folder over to the backup folder.

Then came CD blanks, then DVD blanks, so that became the medium of choice for a decade.  Their permanency and ease of storage made the media very attractive.

But even it had its flaws, like having to divide things up so they'd fit on a disc, and the time and hassle of the burning process, itself.

But the biggest problem was simply the size limitation.  I have about 200 gigs total, spread across two drives and nine partitions, so that's about 45 to 50 discs if I wanted to back up the works.  Yikes.

But now, with the recent advent of inexpensive monster-sized (terabyte) hard drives, the rules change once again.  Given how much easier it is to click on a single button in SyncToy and back up the whole enchilada, this is clearly the way to go.

If you're wondering about price, I picked up one of the Seagate drives used in this test at BestBuy the other day for $75 on sale.  Hook it in as a spare drive, download the free SyncToy and you're good to go.

And the next time a computer glitch eats those super-important files, you'll be the one who's laughing last.

If there was ever a computer "good news, bad news" story, this is it.

Pictured: Average reader upon hearing the bad news.

Well, there's no sense in beating around the bush.  Let's get right to the good news.

For a mere $49.95, it's possible that you could more than double your hard drive speed.  That means everything would be quicker.  Boot-up time, saving, converting, copying, formatting, rendering, transcoding, frameserving, demuxing, remuxing, bitmapping, raytracing, defragging, scanning, disk-checking...

Everything.

For a crummy 49 bucks.

Think that's impressive?  With the mere flip of a setting, you might be able to almost double it again.

More info and official techie-type graphs & numbers are below the fol-

"But Doc, wait!  What about the bad news?"

Oh, let's just keep that between ourselves.  There are children present.

Well, it finally happened.

I was impressed with a video program.

And, let me assure you, for me to be impressed with a video program takes a lot.  I have in my tool bag all of the latest, hottest goodies, and I know all the video tricks.  Hell, I invented half the tricks.  I've been a leader in the field of digital video for a decade.

Nevertheless, I'm impressed with AVS Video Converter.  And the $59 they're asking is fairly cheap for a quality conversion program.  To keep it in perspective, Adobe Premiere lists for $799.  The whys and wherefores will only be of interest to us videophiles (budding and otherwise), so I'll lay it all out below the fold.  This is truly a remarkable program in at least three ways.

Things are not always what they seem.

You think you're looking at a web page on Maggie's server, right?  Nope, not even close.  Every single item you see or hear on a web site has been downloaded to your computer first, and those are the files you're reading, watching and listening to.  Everything, including all of those wild & wacky videos you watch, are sitting right there on your computer waiting to be saved for later enjoyment.

But no.

No, as cruel as it sounds, this is not an ideal world, and thus there are bound to be a few hitches and bumps along the way, such as your media player rudely spitting out "Unknown format" when you innocently try to play your latest YouTube treasure.  But with stalwart heart and steely resolve, we'll solve the whole mess in one fell swoop.  I'm not exactly sure what a fell swoop is — but I'm pretty sure there's one below the fold.

Pic: Average student at Dr. Mercury's Computer School For Unwed Mothers upon discovering that a program she's just installed has added YET ANOTHER entry to the damb context menu!

P.S.  I sure wish I had a lip ring. :(

On a Windows system, the 'context menu' is what pops out when you click on an icon with the right mouse button.  Unfortunately, programs like installing their own entries on the context menu and things can get a bit cluttered after a while.

The solution is to use a simple program called ShellExView to remove the unwanted entries.

A download site is here.  No need to install, just unzip and copy the folder to a permanent home.  Then open the ShellExView folder, grab hold of the program's icon and d-r-a-g it over to the Start Menu and drop it in for future access.

Fire up the program and look for the company or program name on the left.  Right-click on it and select 'Disable'.  Go find an icon, right-click on it and see if the entry has been removed.  If not, look for another entry by the same company or program.  It should be there somewhere.

I thought I'd list out some tips & tweaks that might make your browsing experience more enjoyable.  I'll cover Internet Explorer 8 and Firefox 3.

Below the fold, I'll offer some suggestions on how to clean things up and get more web viewing space (IE in particular needs help in this department), how to make the tool bar buttons more efficient, how to get rid of those ugly purple fonts that some pages display in IE, some clarification on browser speed, and some bug fixes.

Gringo made an important point in the comments the other day that deserves to be both repeated and elaborated upon.

Here's the quote:

"Check the net for your stolen ID"

While this purports to be a site that will inform you if your ID has been stolen, it could also be a site constructed with the goal of stealing your ID.

Exactly.  I'd even go so far as to change his "also" to "often or "usually".  This is becoming a huge problem on the 'Net and is one of the driving forces behind both personal identity theft and 'botnet' attacks.

Most malevolent programs running around these days aren't "viruses" — meaning some program that does something nasty like suddenly delete your C Drive — because viruses don't ultimately do the instigator any good.  Outside of the satisfaction of being mean, of course.  The worst programs are the 'keyloggers', which send a record of your keystrokes to the bad guy.  All he has to do is look for 19 numbers in a row (your credit card number plus the 3-digit number off the back that you just entered in some online order form) and bingo.  Now all he has to do is try a few expiration dates and your bank account is toast.

Second-worst is the 'botnet' program that lies dormant in your computer until the bad guys launch an attack on some corporation, usually in the form of blackmail.  They'll tell the company to either cough up the dough or the 20,000 computers on their botnet (of which you're one) will 'ping' their web site 10 times a second from now until Doomsday, thereby overloading the server and keeping legitimate customers from getting to the site.  Obviously, for an online company, this is serious business.

And you, yourself, will never even know you were part of the attack.

That's why everyone from God on down recommends installing a quality anti-virus/spyware program, and don't forget a good firewall program.  You cannot rely on the stock Windows programs, such as Windows Firewall and Windows Defender.  I have a post on the subject here.

Back to Gringo's warning, it isn't just web sites and email where the damage is being done.  There's an area of the Internet called 'Usenet' which has a large section of programs, pirated and otherwise.  I got curious and did a study on this a few months ago and I'd estimate that three-fourths of the anti-virus/spyware programs available for downloading have some spyware buried deep in the install files.  That is, it'll actually install the anti-virus program, but it'll have been tweaked so it overlooks the keylogger.  While you're thinking your computer is finally safe, your bank account is being drained.

The same is true with P2P (peer-to-peer) file-sharing sites (eDonkey, BitTorrent, etc), and sophisticated chat lines, like the IRC, that allow for file transfers.  Some chat buddy says, "Hey, I just downloaded the latest Norton Anti-Virus from Usenet!  I installed it and it's working perfectly!  Want a copy?"  You reply "Sure!", and now both of you are unknowing partners in a gang of Internet blackmailers.  Or simultaneously having your bank accounts drained.

So be safe, be cautious, use common sense, don't trust renegade downloads, and please spend the money on quality protection.  Some program suggestions are in the above link.

General security rules-of-thumb:

1.  Never open a file-attachment in an email unless you're 101% sure of the sender.  Remember, one of the ploys of the clever virus or spyware is using the names in a person's address book to send itself on.

2.  Never click on a link in (what appears to be) a commercial email, like from a bank or loan agency, much less input anything personal like a password.  The reason phishing emails look so real is because they are real.  Everything you see is probably coming directly from the bank's actual site.  It's when you click on something that the trouble begins.

3.  Never click 'OK' in any box that pops up while you're on a web site unless it's something you've initiated, like installing a program.  Plus, you know the little click-box in the upper-right corner that closes the intrusive box?  Well, if you wanted the person to click the 'OK' button to install your keylogger or netbot file, wouldn't you make the little 'close box' do the same thing?  And, for that matter, the 'Cancel' button?  When I see one of those things pop up, I open Task Manager and shut it down that way.

4.  Always right-click on a download from a possibly suspicious source and have your anti-virus/spyware program scan the file directly.  It'll give the file a quick scan when it's downloaded, but often only a deep scan will detect the really nasty stuff.

This doesn't apply to songs, pics and videos, but it definitely applies to compressed files such as Zip and Rar, and you should never, ever, download an EXE file unless you're positive of the source.

The real danger today is spyware, and it's on your shoulders to use a quality program to fend it off.  Not only could an easy argument be made that it's the most important money you can spend on your computer, but it could even be argued that it's the only money that you actually need to spend on your computer.  One can get by with a lot of great freebie programs in the computer world, but not in this area.

Any specific questions, as always, just ask in the comments.

One of the best new features in Vista (it's also in Windows 7) is the Snipping Tool.  I only started using Vista a month ago, so it took me a while to blunder my way across it.  What a great find.

If you just want a grab a picture from the Web for your own use, you right-click on it and save it.  The problem arises when you just want part of a picture, or part of a web page (or program) that's not a picture.  The traditional method is to hit the 'Print Scrn' key on the keyboard, which puts a snapshot of the entire screen into memory, then paste it into a paint program and do your cropping.  The Snipping Tool eliminates the entire process.

In Vista's Start Menu, the entry is in Programs/Accessories.  In Win7, it'll either be on the main Start Menu list or buried somewhere.  If you don't see the entry, open Control Panel, 'Programs and Features', click on 'Turn Windows features on and off' over to the left, then checkmark the "Tablet PC" entry and let it load.  If it's already checked and you swear you can't find the entry on the Start Menu, uncheck 'Tablet', reboot, then put it back in.  (Why it's tied in with the tablet's features is anybody's guess.)

Update: A commenter noted that the 'Tablet' feature isn't offered in his 'Home' edition, so if you don't see a 'Tablet PC' entry in the 'Features' box, check out the couple of free snipping tools available here.

To use Snipping Tool, just fire it up.  It automatically goes straight into 'capture mode'.  Grab the mouse, hold down the left button and d-r-a-g it over the area you want to snip.  When you let go, a box pops open with the sniplet.  Do a 'Save As' and there ya go.

There are a couple of other features in the sniplet box you might find useful, such as a 'pen' tool where you can manually write words or circle something, and a yellow 'highlight' tool.  If you don't like what you circled or highlighted, click on the 'Eraser' tool and then the area you want erased.  You can also send the snip directly to someone via email without even bothering to save it, another time-saver.

There are a couple of Options you might want to change:

— You can add it to the Quick Launch tool bar if you use it.

— The 'ink' color is the color of the border it puts around the snip, so you might prefer black or some dark color over the default red.

Kudos to Microsoft for an excellent time-saving tool that works perfectly.

In the final analysis, there are basically two types of people who use the computer.

On one hand, there are those who use the computer as they do the TV or stereo.  They turn it on, they do what they intended to do, they turn it back off.  It ultimately doesn't make any difference what version of Windows they're using as long as their favorite programs run.

On the flip side are those who take the whole thing seriously, learning about Windows and its features, as well as programs in general, how to troubleshoot the system when things go awry, and how the various devices hook together inside the tower.

To these people, a change in Windows is a very big deal because it means a large learning curve; not only figuring out the new operating system, itself, but dealing with individual programs and the problems that arise.  And arise, they do.

As such, rather than pull my usual routine of hauling out my digital scalpel and slicing things to ribbons, I'm going to direct this review specifically to these two types of people.


To the first group:

Whether you're currently running XP or Vista, you're going to like Win7.  It's snappy, quick, good-looking, and isn't bogged down with needless programs like the Sidebar and transparent windows as in Vista.  If you're currently a Vista user, all of the usual stuff (Start Menu, Control Panel, etc) looks about the same so you won't have that 'lost' feeling when it first boots up.

The bad news is that Win7 won't 'overinstall' on a current system, so all of your own programs will have to be reinstalled.  But as long as you have things like registration numbers written down, it shouldn't be that big a deal.  Plus, if you're installing Win7 on a Vista system, the installation will take all of your personal folders and put them in a "windows.old" folder, so you can paw through that if you forgot something.

On the subject, I would recommend you use the True Image backup routine and make a backup of your Vista system first.  Then make one of your new Win7 system after it's installed.  That way, should you desperately need something from the old system (and chances are you will), you can write the Vista image file to the hard drive, boot up into your old system, recover what you need, then write the Win7 file back to the drive.

The actual installation is very straightforward.  There aren't any real choices to make.  Selecting the time zone is as tough as it gets.

If you run into an error while installing one of your programs, right-click on the Setup icon and 'Run as administrator'.  If it still doesn't install, right-click on the Setup program, open 'Properties', click on the 'Compatibility' tab and set it to 'XP'.  If it still doesn't install, reboot the computer and hold down the F8 key about ten seconds into the bootup (before the 'loading Windows' graphic appears).  Select 'Safe Mode' and do the 'Run as administrator' bit.  If it still doesn't install, the program's probably toast.  At that point, go to the program's web site and see if there's a Win7 upgrade, or at least a note about it.  You can also do a Google search and see if others are talking about it in the forums.

If you get an error message when running or closing down a program, try setting the main program's Compatibility Mode to 'XP'.  If the program works fine otherwise, just ignore the message.

Finally, if there's something you don't like about Win7, like the way it adds that daffy "- Shortcut" to shortcut icons, many of the tweaks on the Vista Tweaks page also work with Win7.


Summation

Again, I'm addressing those who just use the computer for specific tasks (email, browsing), but little more.

Two points to make:

— If you (A) are using an XP system and it's working just fine, or (B) running Vista and (hopefully) did most/some of the Vista Tweaks and everything's just dandy, don't upgrade.  It won't gain you a thing, and the potential (especially if upgrading from XP) for some of your fave programs to not run is very real.

— If you're running an old, sluggish XP or a bloated Vista (and the tweaks were over your head, or you did them and they didn't do any good), then, by all means, upgrade.  The time, effort, and possibly money if you have to replace a program that won't install, will be worth it to know you won't have to worry about this silly situation again for years.


For the second group (techies, tinkerers, nerds, geeks, societal rejects, social misfits, etc), the story is below the fold.

It isn't pretty.

One of the biggest disappointments with Windows Vista is that they dropped the 'Identities' feature from Outlook Express, now renamed "Windows Mail".  The 'Identities' allow you to have completely separate email accounts, each with their own Inbox, Outbox, settings, etc.  This way you can have one account using your real name for friends and family, one with an anonymous handle for Internet stuff, maybe one for business and a fourth acting as a 'throwaway' address that you use for online transactions, just in case some unscrupulous dealer sells it to the spam merchants.

It was, in short, an invaluable feature, and there's no reason on God's Green Earth why they should have removed it.  The only way it can be done with Windows Mail is to actually log off the entire system and then log back on as a different 'identity'.  That's friggin' ridiculous.

So, the hunt was on to find an email program that supported multiple identities.  Two days and about a dozen programs later, I found the answer.  It costs $35, but if you want true multiple identities, it's the only program I found that does the trick.

More info + setup tips below the fold.

Picture: artist's rendition of what you'll look like when you finish this guide.

But first, the bad news.

If you've heard the horror stories about Windows Vista and are hanging on to your Windows XP for dear life, hoping that Windows 7 will be the answer...

Or you're currently using Windows Vista and are disappointed with its sluggish performance and those crazy 'permission' boxes that pop up every time you change the tiniest setting, and you're also hoping Windows 7 will be the answer...

Sorry.

I suggest you not plan on upgrading to Windows 7 in the near future, and for two very good reasons:

• If you think Vista took a lot of customization away from the user compared to Windows XP, wait'll you see Windows 7.  The amount of user customization looks like it's been cut in half.  Microsoft has clearly decided, at long last, that you're a blithering idiot and the fewer options you're given, the less likely it is you'll screw something up.
  
  Also, just for the record, if you think Windows 7 is a "new" operating system, you've been listening to the hype.  It's Vista without the goodies, which unfortunately includes both the cool things Vista has to offer, like the transparent window borders, as well as some of the better stock Windows programs like Movie Maker and DVD Maker.
  


• And the driver problem is going to be much worse than usual.  In a normal Windows update, the manufacturers of printers, scanners, and all the rest traditionally lag behind a few months, but eventually the drivers for most of their models are updated to the latest version of Windows.
  
  In the case of Windows 7, however, because most of the shipped models will be running the new 64-bit file system, the drivers are going to have to be written from scratch.  Not only is that costly unto itself (those programmers don't come cheap), but it means that the manufacturers will have to write two drivers ($$) for every peripheral device ($$), and there's no doubt a number of older devices are going to get left by the wayside.
  
  If you have a fairly recent Hewlett-Packard or Epson printer, you'll be fine, but if you've got an older printer or scanner or whatever, or some off-beat brand, your ass might be grass.  Before you even think of upgrading to Windows 7, make sure your drivers are available first.

The good news is, there's a simple answer to your dashed hopes and dreams:

Simply turn off the 'bloatware' in Vista.

Do everything in this guide and you'll have a Windows Vista system that's quick, snappy and reliable, and should provide you with years of carefree use.

I guess I should have expected it, but some activist wannabe cheated the survey and skewed the results.  All he or she had to do was delete a cookie and vote again, and over the course of a few hours both the Mac and Firefox stats skyrocketed way past the norm.  When the Mac OS, which officially holds 15% of the computer market, starts rivaling Windows in a survey, you know something's up.

Instead, here are the official stats from our Google Analytics page:

You Safari users should be using the Mac version of Firefox, available here.  Safari has a few bugs and the colors you're seeing aren't necessarily what everyone else is seeing.  And Firefox is better in a number of other ways.

To you 'smart-phone' users, don't hold your breath waiting for a mobile-friendly version of Maggie's to appear.  The guy who developed the software has long dropped support of it and there's no reason to assume anyone else will pick up the reins.  Such is life in the sleepy back hollow wherein Maggie's resides.

Every now and then you might run into a program that won't minimize while doing its thing.  For programs like video editors that might take an hour or two to render a file, it can be a tad aggravating when you want to get to the Desktop for something.

There are actually two ways to force a program to minimize, each with a plus and a minus.

To minimize everything that's open, hit Windows-D.  The Windows key is usually on both sides of the space bar, the one with the little logo on it.

This will allow you access to the Desktop.  The hitch is that as soon as you open something else, the first program will come popping back up.  But if that one quick access is all you need, then no big deal.

The second way takes an extra step, but it's permanent.  Either hit Ctrl-Alt-Del or click on the Task Bar with the right mouse button and open the Task Manager.

Click on the 'Applications' tab, highlight the program's name with the right mouse button and select "Minimize" from the drop-down menu.  That'll keep it minimized until it's finished.  Some programs won't even pop back open when you click on their Task Bar entry.  To re-access the program while it's running, do the above but select 'Maximize'.

The Windows key actually has a number of functions, but I've never found any of them to be of much use except for Windows-D.  If you have kids in the room and want to dash to the kitchen for a few minutes, hitting Win-L will lock the keyboard and keep things safe while you're away.  For a complete list of keyboard shortcuts, try this site.

 
This (former) weekly Saturday morning feature will slowly, over time, turn you into a full-fledged computer expert. More info here.
 

Lesson 17: Facts & Fallacies

This is the wind-up to the series.
 

I was reading some comments on RedState the other day and one of the commenters — an obviously very knowledgeable fellow — was clearly and concisely explaining to everyone what the word "bandwidth" meant.  By the confidence with which he wrote, there was little doubt he knew precisely what he was talking about.

And he couldn't have been more wrong.

Nor am I criticizing him.  There's a lot of confusion out there, often because a term has two different meanings depending upon context, and such was the case here.  With other terms, it might be a matter of people believing the ad hype, or a word's meaning has simply evolved over time.

With all this in mind, here's a Points of Confusion list I've come up with:

Definitions
'Bandwidth'
'Image'
'Resolution'
'Web' & 'Internet'
'Disc' & 'Disk'

The Internet
Connection & Download Rates
Download Accelerators
Web Site Hits
What You're Seeing Isn't The Web
Cookies

Software
Mac vs the PC
Firefox
Macs, Firefox and Malware
Newer Isn't Necessarily Better
Screensavers
Backing Things Up

Hardware
Memory & Hard Drives
Faster CPUs
Computers Wearing Out
Defragmenting Hard Drives
Printer Ink Costs

The goods are below the fold.  You might bookmark the page so you can throw it in some blowhard's face the next time you see someone spouting nonsense.  For example, it's amazing how many people think that computers "wear out" over time, like a car.  In truth, your computer (the hardware part) is just as fast as the day it was made.  It's the software that "wears out", but that's easily remedied.  If you've found your machine slowing down over time, the solution might be below.

Newer ones get added to the bottom.

The Deafening Silence — My favorite 'airline disaster' episode

Men & Women of Film — A Hollywood collage

Train Story with a Twist(er) — Kids!

RC Madness — Three R/C airplane vids

Happy Guy Fawkes Day — How this day has been spun around

The Astounding World of the Future — Simply amazing what these guys foresaw

Uncle Jay Explains The News — One of the great unheralded geniuses of our time

A Couple o' Sagan Clips — My two favorite clips from 'Cosmos'

Obama's Two Cents' Worth — This one's gonna hurt

And The Chapter Closes — A tribute for us Trekkers

'House MD' - A Couple o' Treats — Two clips for us 'House' fans

Doc Gets a Nature Lesson — Learn something new every day

And To You, Rube — And entire Honda turned into a Rube Goldberg device

Triple Vid Splash — Three cool vids

Angels From an Angle — Great camera work of the Blue Angels

"Do these genes make me look fat?" — As these things go, this is probably the most official 'exposé' on the site.  It's amazing how we're being lied to.

Beautiful Camp Elmwood — I just love getting the readers involved.  Dare ya to solve it.

Life On Other Worlds: By The Numbers — My counterargument to Carl Sagan and his ilk

Who Killed JFK, Jr.? — Many have said this is one of my finer pieces

Colorado Travelogue — A fun, rollicking you-are-there story

The Michael Crichton Challenge — Think you're fairly smart, don't you?  So did I — until this bozo came along

Computer Enhancements — Physical things to make your computer experience more enjoyable

Unscrabbleink and Grandma's Dominos — Played by these rules, these two games are an absolute blast

The Mission — Can one regular ol' person actually make a difference?  You bet.

Treasure Hunting With A Metal Detector — Even if you're not into metal detectors, this makes for a fun you-are-there read

The Challenge — So, think your cat or dog's pretty smart, eh?  Heh.  How little you know.

The Liveaboard Life — Life aboard a 40-footer.  As a small footnote, this is the longest article on Maggie's.

Collections:

'NCIS' Index — A fun series about a great show

'Bullshit' Index — From the excellent Penn & Teller show

Videos — A handful of fun clips

Bag O' Links — A fun 'reader participation' post

Other Sites:

Start a Blog — The coolest way to start a blog or web site

System Backup — Those regular 'backup' programs are ridiculous.  This is how the pros do it.

VideoStudio Lab — A great way to get into the world of video

Windows Tips & Tricks — Covers all three versions

Home Repair Guide — Not a "how-to" guide as much as a "become familiar with" guide

There's an immense difference between a Christmas gift that you'd like very much but hesitate to ask for because it's expensive or hard to obtain — and a gift you can't ask for at all because of the time and effort involved.
 

Between hanging out at the tiki hut with the locals and going to the Sunday BBQ at the nearby park, I tend to intermingle with 'regular' people a fair amount; meaning, people who aren't computer whizzes and/or savvy blog participants.

And it's not surprising that a huge number of people out there would love to get a little blog site going where they could post their daily thoughts ("You wouldn't believe what happened to me just now at the supermarket!") and pics and videos for family and friends to enjoy, yet most of them never even attempt it.

In pursuing the issue, the answer, unsurprisingly, is that people simply don't think they have the ability to put one together.  And, admittedly, it probably sounds a little daunting to hear you have to "construct" a blog site when you're not even sure what an "icon" or "menu" is.

So, do something really special this year and give them a ready-to-go site.  It'll cost about a hundred clams for the web hosting service for a year, and if you use the company I recommend they'll throw in the cost of the domain name, which can go for upward of $35 at other places.

Setting up the site is a snap.  You download a free FTP program and use that to upload the files for the blogging program.  There's a 'Settings' page where you'll make a few tweaks and you're ready to roll.

The easy-to-follow instructions that will walk you through the whole process are on my Easy-Blogsite.  If you run into a snag, just ask here in one of my posts and I'll email you back and we'll get the rascal ironed out.
 

As far as the actual present goes, it might be fun to simply give them a nice Xmas card with three mysterious lines of information on it:

• a recognizable web site address like "ThePattersonFamily.com" or "BobsBlogSite.com"
   
• name: (their account name)
   
• pass: (their account password)

Then be with them the first time they go to the site.  You'd have a few 'Welcome!' posts on the home page, interesting links in the sidebar, and maybe some family pics or even videos on display.  It should be a great moment when they suddenly 'get it' and ask, "You mean this is all mine??"

Then go to the main editor and show them how easy it is to make a post.  Just type merrily away and hit the 'Publish' button.  Show them how easy it is to import a picture from their computer, and how they can change the entire look of their new site with one click of the mouse using the fabulous 'themes' you've pre-installed.  Their feelings will range from "stunned" to "beyond thrilled."

On my end, I'm giving one to a 68-year-old lady whom I've never met, but have been conversing with via email for over a decade.  Her three best friends have blog sites but, no matter how often I tell her how easy it is to set up, she just won't do it.  Yet I know she's dying to join in the fun.  The sweet old gal will probably break down in tears on Christmas morning when she sees it.  She loves bunny rabbits and I found an Easter theme that's just loaded with cute bunnies.  I replaced all the 'Easter' stuff with her own name and it looks terrific.

I hope she likes pink and blue.

So, would you rather give Grandma her 25th set of bathroom towels and Grandpa his 17th pipe rack, or something that'll put some zest back in their lives?  Once they get nested into a blogring of similar interests (golfing, macramé, my pet's latest funny antics, etc), they'll have a ball.

Or how about that old person next door who spends all day long watching TV?  I don't have to tell you, of all people, the meaning the blogosphere can have on one's life.  A spouse, a girlfriend, a boyfriend, your best friend, your kids — can you think of a more appreciated gift than a gift one cannot ask for?

This Christmas, give that someone special a gift like no other.

Give them a door to the world.
 

 
According to feedback here and elsewhere, the article I posted last week on increasing one's browsing speed made a real difference with certain systems.  Here's another trick that might improve your online performance.  This is for WinXP. 

 
Certain programs that require online access use what's called the "QoS Policy" in Windows, which allots them a slice of your bandwidth.  In its wild and fanciful way, Windows somehow figures that receiving a business fax or accessing an online database is more important than downloading more Web porn — those crazy fools.

Traditionally, if someone's tweaking their system, the QoS is turned off.  But I was reading a guide the other day and it said that some programs will sense it's off and turn it back on, so the 'trick' is to leave it on — but set it to 0%.

Relatively easy procedure is below the fold.

 
I remember back in '87, buying my first modem.  The expensive new 2400 bauds were out, but I settled for a normal 1200 baud.  "There's no need to go so fast," I said at the time.  "So what if it takes an extra thirty minutes to download a file?  Big deal!  This new 'faster and faster' modem thing is just a fad!"

And, for the most part, it could be argued I was right.  Okay, so it would take six minutes to display this page with my new modem — but what's a mere six minutes for a quality product like a Maggie's Farm home page?  Of course, waiting half a day to see one of the videos might irk some of its more impetuous readers, so there might be something to this 'faster and faster' thing, after all.

And, yes, I eventually bought the lightning-fast 2400 baud modem.  I was smokin'!  "With this kind of speed, I'll never have to upgrade again!," I proclaimed loudly for all to hear.

Sticking tightly to my resolve, I immediately bought a 9600 modem when they came out.  Then a 14.4.  Then a 19.2.  Then a 28.8.  Then a 33.6.  Then a 56K.  Then I combined two 56K's using MultiLink.  Then I got one of them fancy new 'experimental' ADSL modems at .768 meg.  Then cable at 1 meg.  Then 1.5.  Then 2.  Then 3.  Then 5.

Then I ended up going wireless.

I always was a sucker for fads.

 
And, during that entire time, I tried program after program and tweak file after tweak file that claimed it would increase my Internet speed, and not one of them ever did.

Until this rascal drifted along.

This is a patch to update Windows XP (and earlier) to meet current broadband standards.  Vista already has the updates.  To possibly double your browsing speed, please...
 

So there I was, innocently minding my own business, when suddenly I came across a video on some blog site named Maggie's Barn or sumpin' and I wanted to watch it.  Little knowing that my fate was already sealed, I clicked on the box.

It started playing, but it seemed a little small so I clicked on the side of the window to go to the YouTube version so I could watch it full-screen.  The original was still playing in the background when the YouTube page opened and its video started playing as well.
 

Blink!

 
That was the last online video I heard for the rest of the evening.  Somehow, two videos playing at once messed up something in the system and that was that.  I ran Registry cleaners, Norton WinDoctor, warm-booted, cold-booted, prayed to the various computer gods, promised I'd never look at porno again, but nothin' worked.  (I think my computer knows when I'm lying to it, dammit)

The next step would have been to reinstall Flash, but I wouldn't have been hopeful.  Program files don't "break", and internal system settings (like what got messed up here) usually aren't touched by program installations.  Regardless, in this case I had a much better option.

It's to note that during this entire time, when most people would be pulling their hair out, my blood pressure never rose an iota.  After trying the fix-it programs last night and getting nowhere, I watched a movie and hit the hay.  This morning while I was eating breakfast I reinstalled the image file I made of the C Drive last Saturday and the system works perfectly.

And if this had happened to someone not using an image file backup system?

Nightmare.

Regular backup programs only back up files, and, even if you tell it to back up the system files, it can't get them all because the ones that are "in use" can't be copied.  The answer is an image file program.  It makes a 'snapshot' of your entire C Drive and turns this 'image' into one great big file.  Come meltdown time, you merely tell the program to write the big file back to the hard drive, overwriting your damaged system.  Ten minutes later and you're good to go.  Nor do you lose any email or bookmarks or personal files if you follow my routine.

And that's all.  Just a little reminder as to how quickly a system can go into the toilet, and how easy it is to fix if you have the right tool.  The full Maggie's post is here.
 

By the way, a couple of readers named "Meta" and "Luther McLeod" left a whole bunch of nasty comments in my posts over the weekend (since deleted) so I'm forced to moderate the comments until the situation improves.  An example from Meta is down below in the comments (the quote).  If you think you're actually real, Meta begs to disagree.
 

 
Yesterday, I posted a short article on opening Desktop icons in full-screen mode.  This morning, commenter Ron House steered me toward a very cool program named AutoSizer that does a couple of nifty tricks:

• For pesky programs like Internet Explorer that open Desktop icons and email links in half-screen mode, it forces them to always open in full-screen mode.
  


• For pesky programs like the Calculator which tend to pop open anywhere on the Desktop, it'll 'center' them so they always open in the same place.

The program is free, home site is here.  It's a quick install, and if you're running a sensitive program like ZoneAlarm, 'allow' it access to system files.  If you don't like it putting an icon in the SysTray, remove it via Options.

In regards to Internet Explorer, it does have one little problem.  It'll open every IE window full-screen size, whereas in some cases, like an online editor popping open a small window so you can select an option, it might be a bit annoying.  But, compared to the general annoyance of it opening in half-size mode, it's still a big win.

Usage:  First, open the program in question, then open AutoSizer, highlight the program's entry and click on the 'AutoSize' button.  Make your selection from the drop-down menu and that should do it.  For centering a small program, select 'Resize' then 'Center'.

Take a bow, Ron, and thanks!

Pic: In a blatant act of political partisanship, Doc plugs his own personal choice for president.  (Or was that the wrong verb to use?)
 

 
I've given lots of discs as presents over the years, and there's no question having a customized label adds to the enjoyment.  And especially when it's a kid and you've got their name right there on the disc in big bright neon lights fonts.  And if they're discs of your home movies, how classy would it be to have small pics from the various vacations and birthdays printed on the disc?

If you've ever tried the stick-on labels, you know what a nightmare they are to work with.  Get off by the tiniest bit while sticking it on and you're burning a new disc and printing a new label for Round 2.

And that 'LightScribe' routine, where it etches the text on the top of the disc, is seriously ridiculous.  Like a lot of people, I got suckered into it — although I will admit that if you hold up the disc just so, and catch the light just right, you actually can read what's etched on the disc — kind of.

So what's the answer?  Well, now that I've got you on the edge of your seat with this riveting question, you'll just have to...

 
It's got the big, ponderous name of 'Scheduled Tasks', but I prefer the term 'Windows Alarm Clock'.  As so often happens with the built-in Windows tools, 95% of a program's function might be completely worthless, but that last five percent...

Got a doctor's appointment a month down the road?  Want to make sure you catch that TV special in a few weeks?  Just can't forget to make that important phone call bright and early next Monday morning?

Let the Windows Alarm Clock help!

 
This is a weekly Saturday morning feature that will slowly, over time, turn you into a full-fledged computer expert. More info here.
 

Lesson 16: DOS

 
Oh, the things we've learned on our little journey!

We learned how to professionally back up our system.

We learned how to make a really neat custom links page for our browser.

We learned all about hardware and software and cool tools and a whole buncha stuff!

And, if all that wasn't enough, we then learned about such cutting-edge techniques as streaming video.  As budding computer experts, we're ready to go!

So why, in Heaven's name, is the wise and kindly Doc Murky bringing up DOS, of all things?  What possible use on God's Green Earth could antiquated old DOS have in today's modern hyperdigital world, we plaintively asked.

What use, indeed?, he asked back.

This is a weekly Saturday morning feature that will slowly, over time, turn you into a full-fledged computer expert. More info here.
 

Lesson 15: Streaming Video

This video's been around for a while, but it illustrates the point well.

Admittedly, Rosie O'Donnell has made a real horse's patoot out of herself at times over the past few years.  As a mild example, she claimed on TV that the collapse of the buildings on 9/11 must have been a government conspiracy because "fire can't melt steel" — casually forgetting for the moment that fire is what makes steel in the first place.

But how do you compare the silly statements Rosie O'Donnell makes against others?  By what standard do you measure jack-ass against ass-inine?

Finally, someone's put together a formula that works!
 

A clumsy and amateurish job, perhaps, but somebody had a great idea and went for it.

Want to be next?

 
This is, IMHO, Windows' best trick and the biggest time-saver of the bunch.  In short, it makes it easy to load a file into a program that it's not normally associated with.

A quick example would be a Notepad document you want to spell-check.  Notepad doesn't have a built-in spell-checker, so the usual routine would be to:

• Laboriously fire up a program with a spell-checker like MS Word


• Painstakingly open the load requester


• Achingly browse to the Notepad document


• Tiresomely load the file


• Troublesomely spell-check the document


• Backbreakingly save the file


• Exhaustedly close the program

But with the SendTo feature:

• Simply click on file's icon with the right mouse button and 'send' it to MS Word


• Simply spell-check the document and that's it!

For more of this unbiased, impartial review of the unbelievably fantastic SendTo feature, please...

This is a weekly Saturday morning feature that will slowly, over time, turn you into a full-fledged computer expert. More info here.
 

Lesson 14: Video

Ah, video.

 
If you knew what I knew about video, you'd run screaming into the night.  The very word should cause you to tremble.  What's that?  Your Windows is corrupt and reboots itself every five minutes?  Big deal!  Your browser freezes up every 38 seconds?  No problem!  Your hard drive just caught on fire and burned down half the house?  That's the easiest one to fix yet!

But video.

Video is what separates the wheat from the woods, the chaff from the sliced kittens, the bear from the pope poop.

Video.

Video is where the foot meets the rubber, the tire meets the floorboard and the pedal meets the road.  It's what separates the fancy from the dancy, the hoity from the toity, the willy from the nilly.  It's how you tell the kettle from the heat, the pot from the fire, the brisket from the biscuit from the basket.  It's what—
 

For more unbelievably inane ramblings as I desperately try to avoid writing about this horrid subject of which I, personally, would never partake, please...

 
This is a weekly Saturday morning feature that will slowly, over time, turn you into a full-fledged computer expert. More info here.
 

Lesson 13: Audio 

 
To be completely honest, it wasn't your idea to write the song that united the world.
 

Your new bride, a recent graduate from Dr. Mercury's Computer School For Underprivileged Busty Blondes, was the one who suggested it.  She walked into the room, threw her arms around you and gushed, "You're so wonderful! You should write a song that will bring peace to the entire world!"

And that's exactly what happened.

Personally, you thought the melody line was a bit simplistic, but people seemed to adore it, and it somehow bridged the gap between Western and Eastern cultures.  The words, too, seemed a bit lightweight, but it turned out that by sheer good fortune you used a number of words and phrases common to multiple languages, so even though the exact message couldn't be conveyed to the world's people, there was still something there that touched the soul of everyone.

And the song's effects were wonderful to see.  Obama and McCain decided on a joint presidency.  George Bush, Nancy Pelosi and Ron Paul had a group hug and broke into tears.  Al-Queda threw down its arms and opened a Starbucks franchise in Seattle.  Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards reunited.  Britney Spears' heretofore unknown younger sister, Adrianne, knocked on your bedroom door and—

And that's when the loud barking dog snapped you out of your daydream.
 

Next time, instead of fantasizing about it, I think you'd better just...

 
Pic: Average student at Dr. Mercury's Computer Bed & Breakfast School For Wanton Women, blatantly stolen from Theo who had a much better picture than I did for last Saturday's computer lesson — that rat!

In the comments to Saturday's lesson on images, a couple of doods mentioned the free GIMP program. From what I can tell, GIMP stands for "Gastro-Intestinal Monetary Paralysis", or the feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you see the $649 price tag for Photoshop.

Actually, it stands for GNU Image Manipulation Program, with GNU being the open-source UNIX-like operating system developed back in the 80's. It and SourceForge have produced a number of excellent free programs over the years and, of the sixty-odd free video programs I have on my own site, probably half of them are GNU or SourceForge.

Bottom Line: While a little odd, GIMP is an excellent graphics program and does all the 'trick' things, like smudging and freehand selection, that big bad Photoshop does. Download it here. Click on 'Downloads' then grab just the program, don't bother with the 'Installer'. Don't panic when it takes forever to run the first time.

On the other hand, you'll probably have a heart attack the first time it opens, so perhaps you'd better take a sec and...

 
This is a weekly Saturday morning feature that will slowly, over time, turn you into a full-fledged computer expert. More info here.
 

Lesson 12: Images

 
You're a real blogger. And you know just what I mean.

A real blogger works only in real-time. His thoughts come to him in a blaze of profound insight that his flying fingers desperately try to keep pace with. If a mixtake is made, so what! Your readers know what you're really trying to say.

Because that's where the honestly lies. That's how they know they can trust you. Because if you went back and corrected every little mixtake and tidied up sentences and made everything 'just so', you'd be no better than the next bought-and-paid-for journalist. Your very integrity rides on your willingness to show the world who you really are, simple mixtakes and all.

Until today.

Today, that integrity was seriously tested when you realized what you had done mere seconds later, yet, because of the blogger's code, you were unable to touch a thing.

And the horrific results are just now starting to drift in.

How unfair, you think to yourself as the screen-grab from your site is spread throughout the blogsosphere and you become a laughingstock in the eyes of the world. Everybody does it with their vacation pictures! You remember watching slide shows as a kid of the family vacation and there was always one that slipped in!  These things happen!  It's just not fair!

No, it's not, my friend.

Oh, if only you'd thought to take that night school course in blogmastering. If only you'd thought to be a little more careful when adding pictures to the site. And if only you'd thought to...

 
This is a weekly Saturday morning feature that will slowly, over time, turn you into a full-fledged computer expert.  More info here.
 

Lesson 11: Troubleshooting

 
Temper, temper!

You work to keep your emotions under control when what you really want to do is smash your fist on the keyboard.  Why now, you think to yourself.  Why me?  You wonder what wrathful computer gods you ticked off to merit such a fate.

Some very angry ones, it would appear.

Well, you're not going to let this little snag stop a tough, gritty computer user like yourself, no sir!  You knuckle down, grab the bull by the horns and head over to Google.  You search down the problem and, with your body bathed in nervous sweat, edit the haunting and enigmatic Registry and live to tell the tale.

The computer works!

A sense of exultation sweeps through you as you realize you'll make your deadline.  It's money in the bank!  You breathe a deep sigh of relief and look out at a glorious sunset.  You hear birds twittering in the trees and the sound of a gentle breeze.  The world is calm again.

You think back to that day years ago, the day you stopped being scared of fixing the computer.  The day you decided to give it your best shot.  The day you went from being subservient to the computer, to being its new master.  The day you decided to...

 
To be truthful, you're unbelievably embarrassed by the whole sad situation.

Oh, you didn't mean to end up this way. The shame and humiliation you've recently experienced certainly came unexpectedly. "It's all that dang Internet's fault," you think to yourself as you prepare to sneak out to the grocery store under cover of darkness. First it was on Fark, then Drudge, now CNN.com.

You'd be the first to agree that national humiliation isn't for just anyone.

You think back to what led to your present shameful condition. A little laziness here, a little procrastination there, and, the next thing you knew, your friend's calling to tell you they're talking about you on the local radio station. Apparently, someone saw that brief comment you left on Maggie's and the deejay was urging his listeners to set aside disbelief and see it for themselves.

From there it spread like wildfire.

At the moment, you're trying to decide if the $5,000 Ripley's is offering for the rights to include you in their 'Believe It Or Not!' exhibition is worth having your public shame be immortalized for future generations to laugh at, mock, scorn and deride for time eternal.

You decide it probably is.

Well, if nothing else, you've learned one thing from this soul-searing experience:

That's the last time you'll ever admit in public you're using a computer that's five years old!

 
For more information on how to avoid public scorn and humiliation when somebody finally catches you with that ancient piece of junk you're using, please...

 
Ah-ha!

You couldn't believe it last week when you made some comment about how "sex sells" and your best friend... refuted it?  He demanded you show him one tiny piece of evidence that suggests any advertiser out there buys into your fanciful notion.  And now, at long last, you have it.
 

First, you did what any good investigative journalist would do and starting researching the topic in depth.  You went to the library and spent days reading about the history of advertising, looking for clues.  Yes, occasionally you'd see a pretty girl in an ad, but so, too, were there handsome men and cute babies.

In desperation you turned to the World Wide Web.  Again, you occasionally saw some pretty girl modeling a t-shirt, but that doesn't prove anything more than advertising agencies are willing to hire female models.  And that doesn't even prove that 'gender sells', much less that sex sells — as you so wildly claim.

But then you hit paydirt.

Suddenly, you came across a 1962 Chevrolet Caprice ad with a pretty girl in a bikini standing in front of it.  That 'investigative reporter gene' you carry in your DNA started setting off alarm bells and you were struck with a deep and profound insight:

That bikini has nothing, whatsoever, to do with the mechanical and handling characteristics of the car!

A sense of exhilaration sweeps through your body as you realize you'll finally be able to prove to your buddy that you were right!

But there's a terrible problem.

The right mouse button won't save the picture because the page is locked by some Java code.  What, oh what, to do!?  Without this picture as proof, you're going to have to admit to your friend for the rest of eternity that you were totally wrong!

Or...

 
This is a weekly Saturday morning feature that will slowly, over time, turn you into a full-fledged computer expert.  More info here.
 

Lesson 9:  Keyboard Skills

 
Sometimes it's just a matter of using the proper incentive.

For example, a few years ago I was teaching a number of classes at a computer college and one of them was "Keyboard Skills."  It was a two-part class in the sense that it taught the students standard typing skills, plus it introduced them to all of those other keys that a typist normally doesn't touch.

When it comes to learning how to type, Rule #1 is "NO PEEKING!"  Peeking at your fingers is extremely counterproductive, not only because it inhibits the learning process but, while you're peeking at the keyboard, you could be making a bona fide typo up above.  Typos are the classic giveaway that someone doesn't know how to type correctly.  People who actually know how to type rarely make typos because they're watching what they're typing as they type it.  (spelling errors are a different story entirely)
 

But then there was Big Jim.
 

A mountain of a man, he wasn't about to be intimidated by some punkass computer teacher telling him over and over again to "QUIT PEEKING!"  He was a smart guy and was catching on as fast as anyone, but he just couldn't break the habit.

So I did what any caring teacher would do.  I brought a great big shiny butcher's knife to school.

After the class started and I caught Big Jim peeking, I pulled out the butcher's knife, let the bright chrome reflect the room lights into his bedazzled eyes, held the glistening, razor-sharp blade just above his fingers and said in a somber voice, "One more peek and you lose them all."

To the best of my knowledge, he never peeked again and aced the class.
 

If you, too, feel the need for such helpful, friendly incentives in order to become a master keyboardist, please...

 
If you create a fair number of new projects, be it spreadsheets, desktop publishing brochures, word processing documents, web pages, pictures, songs or whatever, you'll be interested in this.

There are actually two ways you can create a new project with all (or at least most) of your customized settings already in place, such as font styles, 'author', project size or length, etc, depending on which method you use and how much info the program saves along with its files.

For example, if you made a lot of customized WAV sound files, you could open a 'New' WAV file from the menu and it'd open with all of your custom bitrate and frequency settings already in place, rather than you having to do it manually every time.  It can obviously be a real time-saver.

If you consider yourself a 'New WAV' kinda guy, then please...

 
This is a weekly Saturday morning feature that will slowly, over time, turn you into a full-fledged computer expert.  More info here.
 

I hate exposing your dirty little secret to the world.

Really, I do.

But do you know what I hate even more?

Exposing it to you.
 

No, it's not pretty being an addict.  The constant burning desire for your next 'fix'.  The soft glaze of satisfaction that comes over your eyes as you swiftly take apart the computer case.  The zeal springing from your fingertips as the 'high' infuses your body while you remove the old CD-ROM.

Yeah, that's you, all right:

The hardware junkie.

The thing is, it might be that you just don't know it yet.
 

For more helpful information on attaining this ugly, sordid state of existence, please...

I thought I'd take a minute and bring everybody up to date on the latest in computer security measures.

The biggest change we've seen in recent years is the role of Bad Boy going from viruses to spyware.  Yes, it would a terrible tragedy if a virus ate your computer, but at least it wouldn't cost you much.  At worst, a new Windows system and some setup time.  At best, ten short minutes of your time if you did the backup lesson.  No big deal, really.

Spyware, on the other hand, and specifically what are called "keyloggers", are a whole different breed o' cat.  Keyloggers do exactly that; they log your keystrokes and then send the info off to the bad guys.  All they have to do is look for 19 numbers in a row — your 16 credit card numbers and the 3-digit security code off the back of the card — and voilà!  Now it's just a matter of trying out a handful of expiration dates on Cadillac.com until they hit pay dirt.

Don't let it happen to you.

(continued below the fold)

 
This is a weekly Saturday morning feature that will slowly, over time, turn you into a full-fledged computer expert.  More info here.
 

Lesson 7: Cool Tools

The nightmare couldn't have happened to a nicer person.

You.

There you were, innocently saving a small file, when suddenly you were faced with the four most dreaded words in the computer galaxy:
 

SORRY, HARD DRIVE FULL!

 
But wait, you cried in despair!  You haven't added any large files or anything lately — so where'd all the dang hard drive space go??

Where, indeed?

Well, it's easy enough to find out, isn't it?  All you have to do is start right-clicking on all 13,543 folders on your system, open each one's Properties and look at the file size.  Have no fear, you'll eventually find what's clogging up your computer.

Eventually.

Or, you could find out almost immediately by simply...

This is a weekly Saturday morning feature that will slowly, over time, turn you into a full-fledged computer expert.  More info here.
 

Lesson 6: Building A Home Page

 
Project time!

Okay, the big mean Dr. Mercury has been boring you to tears with lessons on ugly, sordid things like file structure and backing up systems and such, so today we're actually going to get our hands dirty.  We're going to construct a local web page with all of your favorite links on it.  I semi-promise you, this is one cool thing your buddies don't have.
 

The biggest problem with browsers is fussing around looking for bookmarks or 'Favorites'.  All you want to do is hit the news sites, or stop by Google or TVGuide or Wikipedia for some quick info, and you end up hunting all over the place for the dang bookmarks.  You memorize some of their locations over time, but if suddenly you want to check something on some site you don't visit very often, you could spend endless minutes looking for the dang link.

Enter the personal private professional custom deluxe local web page.

Don't leave home without it.
 

One thing that's really annoying are games and programs that require a CD be in the drive in order to work, or work with all of the features.

The answer is to use a "virtual drive".  First, you take a small free program and make one big image file of the CD, then you use another free program to turn the big file into a "virtual drive", which sits there right next to the other drives in 'My Computer'.  Instead of looking for the CD, the program will read the files off the virtual drive.

Piece o' cake.

 
This is a weekly Saturday morning feature that will slowly, over time, turn you into a full-fledged computer expert.  More info here.
 

Lesson 5: Ergonomics

Over the past few lessons we've been getting your computer organized.

Now it's time to get you organized.
 

When it comes to setting up a computer system correctly and establishing habits to prevent muscle aches and strains, I present myself as Exhibit A.  Twenty-one years at this thing and not the slightest hint of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome?  Never a back or leg pain?  No tired eyes or tired fingers?  And not only computing, but watching zillions of movies over the years on the computer monitor, again with no pain or discomfort?
 

I must be doing something right.

 
Bonjour, garçon!  Here ees my résumé!

I mean, if you're going to act cosmopolitan... at least look cosmopolitan!

Hold down the Alt key, punch in a few numbers on the keyboard, release the Alt key... et voilà!  Zee accent mark pops onto zee screen like zee magic!

(Now how do I get reed of thees outràgeous accént?!)

For more on easily inserting foreign letters with accent marks, odd symbols and professional spacing bars — like these — please...